Written By Crystal-Ann Roberts

Can you believe it? I nearly forgot how intense this season of parenthood can be. I nearly forgot how deep we get into it and how blurry the days are. This post is not for the mom that has it all together (not sure if this mom exists). Rather this is for you, who feel like me on long days and insane nights when sleep is a distant friend. Days where you question if other parents feel the way you do… a little numb at times and very vulnerable. Times where every emotion knocks at your heart and races your mind. I’ve questioned how good of a mom I am, am I still present, am I as giving as I ought to be to my toddler while being a mom of a new born? Am I balancing it all? Should I even be this candid or should I smile, take pictures about how quick I’ve “snapped back” into shape and make it look like things are perfect?

The truth is sometimes I do miss the past, sometimes I long for quiet. Sometimes I reminisce on days gone by when it was just hubby and I and our biggest challenge was figuring out what we wanted to eat for dinner. Sometimes I miss being able to stay in the shower as long as I want or being able to eat food while it’s still hot without rewarming it 3 times. Sometimes I miss having nothing to do… ha being bored, that hasn’t happened in a while. Sometimes the emotions well up in me like a mountain and I cannot contain it and it explodes like a volcano into tears and I wonder what in the world led me to this place.

But while I’m writing this and reminiscing on my past days and thinking on hard moments I hold a baby in my hand who is somewhere between sleep and awake, nursing comfortably. Helpless this little human is here and of no account of his but by my doing. His little fingers rest on my still postpartum belly, his little toes curled up in sheer delight. I breathe him in, slowly and deeply. I believe God gave babies these magical smells so endorphins would be released, raining on us offering a peace treaty, a form of solace for our soul. Inhaling becomes vital to our survival because in these early days even breathing seems hard.

Yet right now I press the slow motion button, for just a second allowing all my senses to absorb the depth of this moment. My 4 year old now enters my room possessing it completely, he spins and kicks, is loud and unashamed. He is totally lost in his world of dream, fantasy and animation. He is outrageous, honest and raw and also incredibly smart. Yes I know I’m biased but he truly is beautiful in my eyes. I yell out my confessions with a finger on my lips, afraid to admit that at times I do miss the past. Sometimes I want for one moment to have my body for me, to be selfish and carefree. To have a mind that doesn’t worry about all the things that can happen to unaware innocent little humans. Yet with all that said, I’d want to be no other place but right here in my messy present. In the mess of imperfection I know there is such beauty, and as crazy as it is I know I will look back on days like today and miss it greatly. This one is for my boys, thanks for keeping my life totally unpredictable! Thanks for keeping me messy and constantly on my knees. The truth is this is parenthood, this is mothering, this is life. And as all things, this too shall pass!

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